Where Does Self-Worth Come From--For Real?

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

It is a common belief amongst our culture that the more we are needed, the greater our value. There are great problems with this belief. Here are some to consider:

• When your value; your self-worth is attached to whether people need you or not, your value goes up and down like the stock market and during those periods when your kids all of a sudden have their own lives or your spouse is other focused or your elder parents die, your self-worth crashes like black Monday. We all go through transitions in life but if your self-worth is too closely connected to other people's transitions, you will find yourself having very little personal control of your sense of worth. Other people and their choices and status changes have way too much power over you. 

• If you need to be needed to maintain self-worth, you will be inclined to manipulate other people to be dependant on you. As a therapist, I would be unethical if I did this and would most likely be deemed a harmer not a helper. Any person who manipulates, coerces, or orchestrates your life to gain your dependence on them is unhealthy for you at best and downright abusive and destructive at worst. You can see how, if your value is based on your being needed, you can then become an abusive person. Of course the vast majority of us do not do this intentionally.  It simply happens as we work mindlessly to maintain that feeling of being needed.

Your value is based on the fact that you were created with the Image of God in you. Recently I read a wonderful book by the South African anglican bishop Desmond Tutu called No Future Without Forgiveness where he writes about the struggle of bringing a country together after many committed great atrocities and many were victims of these brutalities. The victims, mostly black people were demeaned and devalued because of their skin color. His point is salient to all of us. He wrote, " The Bible they read and which we read is quite categorical--that which endowed human beings, every single human being without exception, with worth, infinite worth, is not this or that biological or any other extrinsic attribute. No, it is the fact that each one of us has been created in the Image of God. This is something intrinsic. It comes, as it were, with the package. It means that each one of us is a God-carrier, God's viceroy, God's representative."

That means your value remains at its highest from birth to death. It is a constant regardless of what you feel, what others do to you, how much others need you, or any other life factor or change.  In fact, the Apostle Paul confirmed this truth when he referred to our bodies as temples of God. Let me put it to you this way: God's Image is a part of you, it's integral to who you are.  You can never be without His Image attached to your being.  We all can just sit, and our value remains constantly at its peak. Why, because value is not correlated to any other factor.  You cannot escape your value no matter how poorly you see or treat yourself OR how badly others see you or treat you. 

If we are in fact, God-carriers, each person should take care.  Honor the value He placed in you. Catch and correct the thoughts that perpetually attempt to devalue your personhood AND existence.  Feelings are tough but feelings are not the basis of our value either.  Feelings merely tell us the state of our belief system or are reactions to specific life events. Some of these life events are great losses so feeling sad is normal but the feelings have no bearing on the level of your worth. When you feel pain, because of your tremendous worth, take care, find care, but do not discount yourself.

Life transitions like your kids growing up (and out of the house) or losing a job or financial status, or health statuses do bring feelings of loss. These transitions and statuses do not discount who we are or should I say whose we are.  Can I encourage you to distance yourself from choices and beliefs regarding your value that attempt to diminish what is intrinsic and integral to you.  You belong as a person despite your health condition or career condition or family condition.  Let this truth lead you to rise above these circumstances--even when you can't change them. You are in fact, more than the sum of positives and negatives in your life, you are God's.