My Wife Likes to Tell Me Where to Go and How To Get There!

Hello Everyone, glad you stopped in to check out this week's article, and I think after reading it, you'll be glad you took the time as well!  Anyone who is a relationship is going to be able to get something from this post.  In fact, Scott uses himself as an example.  Being a therapist doesn't make us immune from difficulty in life, but as you will see in Scott's situation, it did make him very aware of what is taking place under the surface.

This week's article was written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC.  Scott is a therapist at and the Founder of Heritage Counseling Center.  Here's what he has to say:

My wife likes to tell me where to go and how to get there.  In fact, like a good husband, I simply follow her instructions as we drive to our local shopping places. I used to be annoyed with this but have learned that it's probably okay. Confession: sometimes after I have simply, mindlessly followed her directions (Costco, Crate & Barrel Outlet, Nothing Bundt Cake), I forget where I am at. A few times she has chided me for my disorientation. Seriously...there have been times when I thought the way home was left when it was right.  Why? Am I starting to have early onset (I’m not that old) dementia?  (don’t answer that!) 

Actually the real issue here is a great analogy to what we all suffer from at different times in our life.  When my wife begins to tell me where to go and I start to simply comply, I actually stop much of the internal navigating in my own head.  She’s taken on the responsibility of how to get where we are going so why should I have to expend very valuable mental energy trying to pay attention to roads and signs myself?  She’s got this!  Before you judge me too harshly (I really do wear my own pants), if you look at your own life, you might find that you have done the same thing at various times.  Let me give you some examples...

Who constantly reminds you to do something? Your spouse reminds you that you have eaten enough already so you have generally stopped paying attention to how much you eat every day.  Sure it annoys you but as long as your spouse is keeping track, why should you? Right?  How about this one: your spouse always reminds you of your to-do list.  Again, it can be annoying but because he or she is so faithful at telling you what you have not done yet, you have stopped paying attention and generally don’t do what is on your to-do list until you are told or reminded.  Why? Because like me, you have turned off your own internal navigation system in lieu of the other voice(s) in your life—your spouse, your boss, your parent, etc.

The process of getting back more of the navigation in one’s life is filled with challenges.  Usually you will feel at least a twinge of frustration, anger or annoyance.  If you ignore this feeling, you could be setting yourself up for an expression of anger that is just like the navigation problem—someone else is making you mad—you snap back gruffly, you throw the remote across the room, you withdraw into the basement or garage, etc.  The moment you recognize your frustration is when you should begin developing a strategy to take back your own personal navigation.  Here are some benefits:

1)    A greater sense of autonomy.  The best relationships are the ones where there is interdependency NOT too much independence or dependency.  Autonomy leans more to independence but is more about self-governing.  When you are governing yourself then the choices you make to share decisions and roles is a mutual process.  This, in the end is going to lead to the most satisfying relationships. 

2)    Less anxiety from your spouse.  If you take care of what is yours in a timely manner, this creates a greater sense of security in your spouse—the one who feels the need (and the frustration) to always remind (think nag) you of your next step. He or she will also have less reason to resent your passivity.

3)    You most likely always know where you are at. When you have given up so much navigation, you do tend to lose your own sense of direction.  All plans, all goals, all dreams stop showing up on your own personal radar.  If you at least share and in fact lead in your own personal life direction, you will find a healthy pressure return to you—the kind of pressure that leads you to plan and be proactive with daily, monthly and annual objectives and plans.  With this comes energy and inspiration.  Trust me, even when you are 80+ years old, this kind of inspiration keeps you living, moreover alive.

Anytime you change a significant process in relationship dynamics there is going to be resistance—both internal and external.  The internal is about overcoming your own anxiety, fear of conflict and lack of inertia.  The external is about taking back power (only of yourself) and the uneasiness others who have been operating as navigator in your life will feel when they have less need to say or monitor where you are at.  Let me encourage you that all of this resistance is a normal part of any growth and change process.  If you begin and persist, you will grow and get better at navigating your life. 

A word for you navigators

If you are the one who is frequently frustrated and/or annoyed because you have this role, let me suggest you find a strategy to reduce your many navigating behaviors considerably.  I realize you might be thinking you can’t trust the person you are navigating and that is probably true to some degree.  However, your navigation actually serves as an enabler to their irresponsibility or passivity.  If you complain he/she is too passive but continue to navigate, you are only causing more conflict for yourself without resolution.

Letting go of the navigating—all the ways you feel you have to remind and motivate your husband, wife, coworker, adult child, etc, is an uncomfortable process.  Spinning plates will probably fall BUT after a period of things not happening the way you believe they should happen, this person will most likely get tired of getting lost, getting late payment charges, getting in trouble for sleeping in, the lack of completed projects, being unhealthy and more.  There is no guarantee here but in the end it is way worth the risk.  I strongly suggest you find a supportive group of people to encourage your new boundaries.  Sometimes a good counselor can help you with the strategy so it isn’t too much too soon or simply to slow and ineffective.

Important considerations for your strategy

1)    Pray for wisdom and direction.  I believe ultimately God wants to be your navigator in the most wonderful way.  He continues to let you govern yourself and only steps in when you allow Him.  His way and His leading is immediately wiser and more meaningful.  Some of the greatest people in history sought God every day and chose to submit to His leading.

2)    Communicate.  If you are going to start taking on more of the navigation in your life, be proactive with your communication first.  A mistake is simply to start doing in a passive-aggressive way.  It will be far more effective to approach this in a humble but firm way. “I know that I typically haven’t done this in the past but it is my intention to grow and be more responsible for my own to-do lists, etc.”  If you are the one letting go of being someone else’s navigation, tell them and be respectful and gentle.  Sarcasm and passive-aggression are not good motivators. In fact they likely will sabotage the whole process.  Also if you just stop waking someone up in the morning when it has been your job to get them up without warning, this can lead to unnecessary agitation.  Patient and understanding communication is far more effective in promoting healthy changes.

3)    Stay committed to the process. Some days will be better than others.  Some days will be complete failures.  Each day can and should serve your own learning curve.  Some days will seem so easy while others will be very challenging.  Use your commitment to change to push through.  Call an encouraging friend or mentor.

4)    Identify your values and let them lead you.  If your value is to be Christ-like, then you will not be a pushover but also will not push people around. One of my favorite values that I taught my children is ‘don’t repay evil with evil’ and ‘do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good’. If you want some ideas to help guide you with your values check out Romans 12 in the Bible.  If your values lead you, they will provide a great deal of safety in your moments of conflict and a great deal of motivation when you lack inertia.

One last thought: when your internal navigation starts to take over your life, you will find that you are more present wherever you are.  When you are more present, you will be able to see more and experience more in all of your relationships and experiences.  This is not good but great! Enjoy your travels.

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC