By Adrienne Kather, LPC
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about dating and relationships. Not
only because I have just re-entered dating/relationship world after years of
not being in it (even during years of being single), but also because many
people in my life are in various stages in dating/relationship world as well. It
seems to me that it’s an often confusing and difficult place to be because
there are hardly any easy, black-and-white answers to the questions that come
up. I don’t have the answers, but I’d like to share the things I’ve
learned/decided for myself and the things I’m wondering about.
Healing after the end of a
relationship
The first thing I learned is what it meant to heal after the ending of
a relationship. Up until the ending of my long term relationship that I thought
was nearing marriage, I had always dreamed that I would marry my first
boyfriend. That may have been unrealistic, but that was my dream. Obviously, it
didn’t happen.
That in itself was a loss I had to do a grieving process over.
There were other losses I had to grieve as well. To name a few… The loss of the
dream of the relationship working if that person could have been willing to
become aware and do his own healing and growth work. The loss of who I wanted
to be my best friend (at the time of grieving it was simply the loss of my best
friend, but looking back the reality is that I was very much disillusioned
about the state of our relationship).
That was the other part of the healing process – getting
out of my disillusionment. To be fair, there was good in the
relationship and in the person. No matter how unhealthy or bad the
relationship, there always is some good. Otherwise we wouldn’t stay; we
wouldn’t hold on to the dream of what we know that person could be and of what the
relationship could be. But I had denied and justified red flags and hurt for so
long, I convinced myself that the good was bigger than the unhealthy – even
that the unhealthy was my own stuff not his. But the reality was that we both
had unhealthy stuff that mirrored each other and was triggering each other. The
reality was that I was trying to work on healing from my unhealthy and growing
into healthy, and he didn’t know how to come alongside me in that or how to do
that work in himself or how to let me come alongside him. The reality was that
I didn’t only need to own my part; I also needed to disown the parts that were
not mine. I needed to acknowledge the ways he had done wrong to and hurt me and
the ways I had done that to him. Then I
needed to do the grieving/forgiveness process regarding those things.
Undoing disillusionment came in layers.
Looking for patterns. I was determined not to repeat this
relationship, so I needed to find out how I ended up there. I looked at the
people in the past I had been drawn to and looked for any patterns I could
find. What things was I attracted to in them? What things irritated me about
them? What things were struggles shared by those individuals? How did they
interact with me? What feelings did I have when interacting with them? What
role was I taking in relating with them? And finally, when was the first time I
remember feeling those things, taking on those roles, etc. Then asking myself
if all that is healthy and doing some healing work in those areas, which meant…
Looking at what I believed about myself and relationships. Somewhere
along the line I had swallowed the lie that I needed a relationship to have
worth and value and be loved and be whole. Which isn’t really surprising since
that is the message we hear in society – in some ways through media and some
ways even through the church. Somewhere in me I believed I was un-loveable,
un-wantable, and unworthy. That might not be what you’re believing, but what is
it that you are believing about yourself and relationships? Once I figured out
that, I had to figure out where it came from (ask the question, when do I first
remember feeling/thinking these things). In addition to messages from society,
it usually gets rooted because of some wounding experience we had, usually when
we were growing up.
Then I had to start experiencing real love. Not the shallow,
unsustainable, incomplete love that was in my past relationship, but real love.
I realized all my life the lie that I was un-loveable and un-wantable had
largely kept me from receiving love (which is part of what drew me to someone
who didn’t know how to love completely while the fear of losing what love was
there kept me in the unhealthy relationship), even from completely receiving it
from God. I would receive some love sometimes, and probably mostly from God,
but even His love I was not letting in completely. This was the hardest part of
healing (and in reality, this wasn’t just healing from the relationship, but
also finishing healing childhood woundedness) because it meant I had to allow
myself to be vulnerable. Every time I felt my protection walls going up for no
reason with safe people in my life, I had to make a conscious effort to keep
the walls down, to talk myself through it so the child in me would know she was
safe – that we could receive the good and reject what wasn’t (since no one is
perfect). So I started receiving love from my family members, from friends,
etc., and through them from God, as well as from God directly.
Figuring out what I wanted in
a relationship
I had always known what I didn’t want in a person and relationship, but
I never really knew what it was I wanted. I thought I did, but it was really
just the opposites of what I didn’t want and said in a way that made it out
that the person would practically be perfect which went along perfectly with me
thinking I had to be perfect. Too bad no one is perfect.
For me, finding what I wanted meant asking “What am I scared of?”
I remember being in my counselor’s office saying how I was just never going to
be in a relationship again; I was terrified of ending up in a relationship like
my past one. I had all these what-ifs of worst things that could happen and my
counselor just kept saying, “That could happen”. I thought to myself, this is
the worst counseling session ever! But by the end of the session, I wasn’t
terrified anymore…I finally heard the second part of what she was saying, “That
could happen. The question is, if it happens how will you work through it
together?” At the end she said I wouldn’t end up with someone the same because
now I know the red flags and am not going to deny or justify them anymore. And
as I realized over time it was okay that I wasn’t perfect, I started realizing
for the other person to be safe doesn’t mean they have to be perfect either.
I’m looking for safe, not perfect.
What does safe look like? If safe isn’t perfect, what is does
it look like? The following is what I’ve come to for me:
·
Desires continual growth and there is evidence he
knows how to do growth work.
·
Knows how to and does come alongside me in my
growth and knows how and does let me come alongside him in his.
·
Can own his stuff and can acknowledge it. This
means more than “I’m sorry I hurt you”, but rather truly owning what was
hurtful and/or wrong and looks for what is needed to change.
·
Doesn’t hold my stuff against me or use it against
me.
·
Handles the vulnerable stuff I share with care
and can share at the same level of vulnerability.
I need to be all of me…back to core beliefs. There was
something I wanted that I didn’t think was possible. Because of some
experiences growing up, I believed I couldn’t have both my dreams and a
relationship. I believed I couldn’t be all of me – particularly not the strong,
independent, serious, perceptive-gifted part of me if I wanted a relationship. Also,
because of for so long feeling the need to protect, was scared to let the more
vulnerable, wanting to know and be known, love and be loved, celebrate and be
celebrated part of me be there…which obviously gets in the way of having a
relationship. I need both parts, because I’m not really me if one of the parts
is missing. So, I need someone who values both parts. Then God started opening
my eyes to people in my life who did value both parts and I started believing
maybe it was possible to have a relationship with someone who values both
parts.
Entering the dating scene
Okay, now I was ready to do enter dating world (online) and had to find
a practical way to weed people out…or, I mean, a practical way to see red flags
quickly. This is the part that might be more specifically applicable to me, but
hopefully it will prompt you to think about what it looks like for you. The
following are some test points for me:
·
Don’t compliment something physical in the first
correspondence. And don’t feed me lines. This is a yellow flag. I want to know
you want to get to know me, which means you need to care about more than just the
physical.
·
Don’t tell me what we’re doing for our first
date without asking if it’s okay with me. In fact, I’d really like it if you
asked me what I want to do and we can figure it out together.
·
Don’t try to sweep me off my feet. I don’t need
a whirlwind romance. I want a sustainable relationship, which means I need to
know I can build a solid friendship with you. It’s the friendship that will
sustain the relationship. Romance within building a friendship is fine, the
point is the speed and being in reality.
·
If you can’t handle a delay in response, I’ll
wonder if you can’t handle me having a life. Also, once we’re texting/talking…
after the first time texting/talking, don’t text/call me again the very next
day. After that whether it becomes daily or not depends on how it’s going.
·
If I see in your profile that you need to feel
chemistry by the second date, I’ll probably delete you. What is chemistry?
Sometimes I can tell you mean simply connection, but often it seems like you
mean sexual attraction. Not that sexual attraction is bad, but is that really
what you’re primarily concerned about on a first or second date? Again, can I
build a sustainable friendship with you? If I can do that, sexual attraction
can build over time.
·
Of course, I’ll be monitoring how I feel about
the things in the “what is safe” section.
·
Ultimately, I’ll be looking for things that let
me know we’re the best fit. Not that either of us is perfect, but that we’re
the best fit for each other.
Summary
I feel the need to apologize for the length of this blog article…I guess
I had more to say than I realized! Thanks for letting me process with you and I
hope it gets you thinking about what is important to you in a relationship. In
summary, the things that seem important to me are taking time to heal after a
relationship ends, taking time to figure out what you want, and be able to take
the next steps in moving forward. Even apart from a significant other relationship,
taking time to heal from our past wounds, being committed to growing into who
God created us to be, and living life in relationship with others are core
factors in the journey of sanctification.
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