Denial: Part 2

Last week on the blog I, Nick Smith, wrote about working through the denial in your own life.  This week I wanted to discuss another question that gets discussed in my office from time to time.  "How do I help _______ work through his/her denial."  As I said last week, denial is a powerful force that often disguises the truth from ourselves but leaves it obvious to others around us.  

So, what do you do when a loved one is in denial? I want to answer this question by first exploring some avenues that are often taken by loved ones.  As humans, we tend to either over react to situations or under react.  Some can bail out of the relationship before all options have been explored.  Others tend to over monitor and hover around the loved one, which ends up being emotionally exhausting for everyone involved. So how do we strike a balance?

Be mindful of codependent tendencies.  A natural susceptibility we can have toward those we love who are going through difficulty is making it our mission to make them happy.  This can often lead to making a lot of sacrifices that are not reciprocated.  The thought might go something like, "If I could just love him more, maybe he will stop drinking so much."  Or "Maybe if I just submit to her expectations of who I am as a man, she will be less angry with me."  You might be in a codependent relationship if you find your self worth in the approval of the other person.  

Patience is a virtue, but limits need to be set, especially limits of safety.  Setting limits can often feel harsh but they are put in place for the ultimate goal of helping the person see how their actions (or lack there of) are hurtful.  Setting limits can lead to loss of relationship and that's not easy.  When drinking turns to violence, this often gets pushed under the rug and attempted to be forgotten about until the emotional wounds can no longer be ignored or the physical wounds become so major that they result in irreversible damage.  Have patience in the process of not sweeping issues under the rug and dealing with the consequences of your boundary setting.

Offer opportunities for healing by not tiptoeing around the issue.  By keeping firm boundaries and staying aware of codependent tendencies, you can help your loved one move from a place of denial to a place of acceptance and healing.  It's important to understand that some issues are too much for you to handle alone.  Seek help through support groups and your counselor in order to maximize your healing.

By: Nick Smith, MA, LPC