Why do we always chase our losses?

Written by Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

When I was eight or nine, at Christmas time, I received that greatest of all Christmas gifts. One that instantly gave me gravitas with the neighborhood boys. It was like Ralphie in the movie 'A Christmas Story' getting his Red Rider BB gun.  I received a pellet gun--a beautiful rifle that my friend Freddie and I had a great time hunting down old pop cans and trying (but missing) some of the neighborhood bats as they flew around the lake at night.  I had not had my pellet gun three months when one of those older boys decided to inspect my prized possession. He raved about it and I was feeling like I was coming up in the world with the big boys. He decided to try fitting a BB in my pellet gun and instantly ruined it.  All my street cred (don't think that was the word we used back in the 70's) receded into the lake.  Believe it or not, I still think about that gun.  Maybe someday I might find a version of it on Ebay and buy it just to have it again.  I promise I won't shoot any birds with it and I especially promise not to let older boys play with it.

It seems the things we lose never really get away from us. We can find ourselves reminiscing about the old days or feeling the pain of an injury or a terrific loss or even smelling the sulfur of what was burned to ashes many years ago.  I am not talking about the toy we received on Christmas as an 8 year old but rather the weightier losses--like loved ones or what we lost in a trauma or a moment of lost dignity. Someone once asked me why do we always chase our losses? A great question that I can only offer theories about. Perhaps when I am done with my theories, you could offer some of yours in the comments.

With great losses there is almost always a huge lack of resolution; a sense of being undone or unfinished. This is hard to accept. We see these losses as being not part of the plan and of course they were not.

Perhaps the plan was to actually have a childhood but it was interrupted by a parent's death, or you suffered through abuse, or your parent's divorce or addictions. Maybe when you were a child you were bullied. All of these kinds of events can give you a sense of your childhood being taken away.

It's possible the plan was to live happily ever after with that someone you now have lost--taken away for whatever reason. We lose relationship dreams, career dreams, our innocence, creative dreams, house dreams and so much more. All of these losses leave us with a very uncomfortable feeling of being unfinished or even robbed of our treasures.

When you lose something, you want to get it back. How we attempt to accomplish this 'getting it back' is us chasing our losses. Here are some common ways I have seen people chasing after what was lost: getting married to someone similar to the parent we have the most unresolved issues with, waiting for the job opportunity equal to or greater than the one we lost while refusing to consider other options today, becoming a bully or an abuser yourself, ruminating over the loss for years while losing motivation to engage in here and now moments, living defensively with the people we love the most (and love us the most) now, repeating the same mistakes or fights that you have never been able to resolve. These are of course only a few of many more ways one can chase after his or her past.

For whatever reason, powerlessness seems to produce shame in us. We feel like we should have been better or if we were wiser, prettier, smarter, richer, more powerful, or other then we might have been spared such pain or humiliation.  Subconsciously we come to believe reliving what was lost might alleviate the pain of our shame.  Perhaps we believe the shame and think we deserve another round of the same losses.  Shame turns toxic and deepens our urge to chase.  Let me encourage you to be open to another belief about yourself. Continuing the chase rarely, if ever will provide the relief you think it will. 

Finally, when we establish a pattern of chasing our losses it becomes the most predictable (even predictably bad) and therefore the most comfortable way to live for us.  In the words of the great philosopher Bob Newhart, "stop it!". Well, at least make plans and get help to break free from this increasingly destructive life course.  Breaking free is a process and can take years so maybe a better bit of advice is to "start it". 'It' being the process of giving up the chase.

Acceptance is hard to accept. It does not mean approval and it doesn't mean someone is just going to get away with it. Scripture says God will deal with what we cannot.  I don't mean that as a simplistic platitude that dismisses what you have been through but as a way for you to give yourself permission to move into the acceptance process. Until you go here, you will remain stuck chasing what you cannot catch. Sometimes a therapist is needed to help with this. Sometimes a patient friend who is also willing to speak truth (lovingly) into your pain.