“I just don’t understand why they did that to me.”
“Why are they hurting me like this?”
“They are so disrespectful?”
“I can’t take this anymore!”
Have you ever heard yourself say or think any of these questions? I know I have and I also have heard these questions asked over and over in my office. This type of thinking, if ruminated about long enough, can lead to discouragement, depression, stress and anxiety. Maybe as you are reading this you find yourself in a situation where you have been asking yourself these kinds of questions.
Sometimes hurt people, hurt people. It’s not an excuse it’s an explanation. Hurt people tend to turn around and hurt people. In fact it is often done unconsciously, like a cornered animal who is hurt. It wouldn’t make sense for a cornered cat to lash out at the person trying to help it and yet they sometimes do, out of fear. People often do the same thing, but that’s not really what I want to focus on here today.
I want to focus on relationships that cause us to ask the above questions that lead us into discouragement, anger, bitterness, depression and anxiety. The real question to be asked is: what is my role in the current situation?
Now before you stop reading and move on hear me out. When we are in any kind of a relationship we play some kind of role. We have some kind of effect on the relationship. What I find is that we often blame the other person. The hard questions, the questions that have potential to move you through the anxiety, depression or discouragement reside within you. The kind of questions that have potential to bring us hope, confidence and happiness are:
1. What role did I play in this particular relational conflict or discord?
2. Am I willing to take a look at myself and my actions or inactions?
3. Whatever I find am I willing to take responsibility? And lastly,
4. Am I willing to make needed changes?
The blame game is what we are taught. Your parents might not have been the ones who taught you this (although some of them have), but rather we are taught by the example of the world’s responses and interaction with us. This is why the statements we often make are:
“It’s not my fault I didn’t do anything”
“If he/she wouldn’t have said/done/acted this wouldn’t be happening!”
“How inconsiderate/disrespectful.”
I want to focus on relationships that cause us to ask the above questions that lead us into discouragement, anger, bitterness, depression and anxiety. The real question to be asked is: what is my role in the current situation?
Now before you stop reading and move on hear me out. When we are in any kind of a relationship we play some kind of role. We have some kind of effect on the relationship. What I find is that we often blame the other person. The hard questions, the questions that have potential to move you through the anxiety, depression or discouragement reside within you. The kind of questions that have potential to bring us hope, confidence and happiness are:
1. What role did I play in this particular relational conflict or discord?
2. Am I willing to take a look at myself and my actions or inactions?
3. Whatever I find am I willing to take responsibility? And lastly,
4. Am I willing to make needed changes?
The blame game is what we are taught. Your parents might not have been the ones who taught you this (although some of them have), but rather we are taught by the example of the world’s responses and interaction with us. This is why the statements we often make are:
“It’s not my fault I didn’t do anything”
“If he/she wouldn’t have said/done/acted this wouldn’t be happening!”
“How inconsiderate/disrespectful.”
This list goes on but I think you get the general idea. Having said this there are certain situations where there needs to be a different approach. For example if you have been a victim of abuse, domestic violence or some kind of assault, I’m not talking about these situations. I’m talking about our day-to-day interactions with the people in our lives, our co-workers, family members, friends. These relationships, even when they are going well, can cause us pain and stress. These relationships can sometimes be the source of our discomfort, discouragement, depression or anxiety. In these kinds of situations we have choices to make that can help relieve the discomfort, it requires looking within your self, not exclusively at the other person or people involved.
Your spouse/significant other or child (adult or minor) is consistently doing something you cannot stand or is disrespectful. I’m sure you have something in mind as we speak. What do you do? What have you done? Have you found yourself thinking or saying something like…I can’t believe they did this? What we’re they thinking? How hurtful. How stupid! What an idiot! If you are honest the latter two have probably come into your mind or out of your mouth at some time or another.
We often stop here. We assume the worst. We assume. Assumption is a relationship killer and a frustration starter. What often happens is that we don’t confront the person or clarify what we are perceiving to be happening. We sometimes don’t even tell them we are upset. Instead we act upon our assumption and bury our feelings. This is not a healthy way to build a relationship and adds to our frustration, discouragement, depression and or anxiety. Once again the situation becomes unresolved or swept under the rug…guaranteed to return.
What if instead you went back to the four questions and asked them of yourself:
1. What role did I play in this particular relational conflict or discord?
2. Am I willing to take a look at myself and my actions or inactions?
3. Whatever I find am I willing to take responsibility? And lastly,
4. Am I willing to make needed changes?
I recently had a situation where there was a guest staying at someone’s home. The guest had several habits that were offensive to the homeowner, not necessarily wrong. The homeowner was overwhelmed with anxiety over the situation. They probably were ready to throw the person out which in turn would have created other conflicts within the family. I asked if they had confronted their guest and made a request that they refrain from these particular habits. The person had not asked. In fact they had assumed that their guest would know they didn’t like it, that their guest would know that it was disrespectful. A battle was about to occur and yet no dialogue had taken place between the homeowner and their guest. No boundaries had been set. The assumption was that the guest was rude and disrespectful and needed to go, even if it caused an upheaval with other family members.
In this scenario the role that the homeowner played was staying silent, becoming angry based on assumptions they had made about the situation. In this case they were ready to look within and find that they needed to step up, confront the situation and person and make a request and set some boundaries (steps 2, 3, 4).
Now this may seen simple or maybe hard for some of you, but if you continue to let theses types of situations go unchecked stress and frustration take their toll and can turn into anxiety and depression. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships, which also can lead to more anxiety and depression.
Learning to look within, take responsibility and take the needed action, can produce healthy relationships, as well as decreased levels of stress and anxiety. Looking within and taking responsibility is not always easy. It is not, as I said, the way the world teaches. It’s always seemingly easier to blame someone else but in the long run it is one tool in which we can help to decrease our frustrations, anxieties and depression.
By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW
Your spouse/significant other or child (adult or minor) is consistently doing something you cannot stand or is disrespectful. I’m sure you have something in mind as we speak. What do you do? What have you done? Have you found yourself thinking or saying something like…I can’t believe they did this? What we’re they thinking? How hurtful. How stupid! What an idiot! If you are honest the latter two have probably come into your mind or out of your mouth at some time or another.
We often stop here. We assume the worst. We assume. Assumption is a relationship killer and a frustration starter. What often happens is that we don’t confront the person or clarify what we are perceiving to be happening. We sometimes don’t even tell them we are upset. Instead we act upon our assumption and bury our feelings. This is not a healthy way to build a relationship and adds to our frustration, discouragement, depression and or anxiety. Once again the situation becomes unresolved or swept under the rug…guaranteed to return.
What if instead you went back to the four questions and asked them of yourself:
1. What role did I play in this particular relational conflict or discord?
2. Am I willing to take a look at myself and my actions or inactions?
3. Whatever I find am I willing to take responsibility? And lastly,
4. Am I willing to make needed changes?
I recently had a situation where there was a guest staying at someone’s home. The guest had several habits that were offensive to the homeowner, not necessarily wrong. The homeowner was overwhelmed with anxiety over the situation. They probably were ready to throw the person out which in turn would have created other conflicts within the family. I asked if they had confronted their guest and made a request that they refrain from these particular habits. The person had not asked. In fact they had assumed that their guest would know they didn’t like it, that their guest would know that it was disrespectful. A battle was about to occur and yet no dialogue had taken place between the homeowner and their guest. No boundaries had been set. The assumption was that the guest was rude and disrespectful and needed to go, even if it caused an upheaval with other family members.
In this scenario the role that the homeowner played was staying silent, becoming angry based on assumptions they had made about the situation. In this case they were ready to look within and find that they needed to step up, confront the situation and person and make a request and set some boundaries (steps 2, 3, 4).
Now this may seen simple or maybe hard for some of you, but if you continue to let theses types of situations go unchecked stress and frustration take their toll and can turn into anxiety and depression. It can also lead to unhealthy relationships, which also can lead to more anxiety and depression.
Learning to look within, take responsibility and take the needed action, can produce healthy relationships, as well as decreased levels of stress and anxiety. Looking within and taking responsibility is not always easy. It is not, as I said, the way the world teaches. It’s always seemingly easier to blame someone else but in the long run it is one tool in which we can help to decrease our frustrations, anxieties and depression.
By: Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW
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