The Language of Encouragement

Confidence. Courage. Self-esteem. These words are hot topics in today’s world. We know that confidence and self-esteem are important qualities for children to develop, and we know that confident children are able to more easily face the challenges of daily life. It is safe to say that almost all parents want to instill confidence and self-esteem in their children, but many parents question how exactly the process works. Self-esteem grows when children feel accepted, loved, and competent. Most parents have no problem showing love and acceptance, but for children, developing competence takes time and encouragement from parents. Children need to know that their parents believe in them. The language used with children can either instill confidence or harm, helping the child to thrive or wither. 

Children who are encouraged tend to have a strong sense of self-esteem. Children who are criticized or discouraged tend to have little self-esteem. If you are thinking you have this whole encouragement thing under control, hear me out for just a little bit longer. There’s a catch with the language of encouragement.
If you were asked to describe the difference between praise and encouragement, what would you say? When I ask parents this question in my office, I am often met with a look of questioning. A lot of parents think they are using the language of encouragement when they really use the language of praise. You see praise and encouragement are similar, but their impact is quite different. Allow me to explain the difference. 


Praise sounds like this: “You made the team. You are such a talented athlete. You are a good kid. You are so smart. I am so proud of you. Good girl. Good job.” That does not sound too bad does it?

Praise is defined as the act of expressing approval, admiration, or commendation. It is typically given as a reward. Praise expresses judgment and value, and it has to be earned. For example, if your child does really well on a test and you say “Good job. I am so proud of you,” how will your child feel bringing home a test that they did not do well on? Does doing poorly on a test mean that you as a parent are no longer proud? To a child, that is exactly what the language of praise sounds like. Praise does not develop an inner sense of control for children. Praise teaches children to please and gain approval. People pleasers are created by too much praise. By all means I am not saying that praise is a bad thing, but if your child hears the language of praise too often, it can do more harm than good. Praising specific efforts at specific times is warranted and important. When your child makes the winning shot in the basketball game, praise is warranted. As a parent, use caution when praising your child. Praise does not instill confidence in a child. It teaches the child that the words they receive from others based on an outcome or their performance are what matter. Children can end up feeling that praise is the only way they will feel good.

Encouragement, on the other hand, is defined as inspiring hope, courage and confidence, fostering support, and stimulating. Encouragement does not have to be earned. It can be given at any time. Encouragement teaches children to feel capable, to appreciate themselves, and recognizes effort and improvement. Encouragement teaches a child to feel worthwhile without needing the approval of others. Encouragement can be used when a child is struggling to inspire them to continue working. Encouragement words can be used to show love, acceptance, trust, and competency, which are ultimately what a child needs to know and feel.

The language of encouragement sounds like this: “ You worked hard on that. You did your best. Thanks for helping me out. I trust your judgment; I know you will be able to figure it out. I can tell you are proud of yourself.”

In a lot of ways, developing the language of encouragement means changing your I-statements to you-statements. Recognize your child’s efforts rather than simply praising the outcome. Notice your child’s feelings and affirm them. Instill a sense of courage rather than a desire to please. Pay attention to the reasons why your child is so excited to show you something or why they are smiling so big, and use that as a moment to encourage their efforts.

Consider these suggestions of how to change from a language of praise to a language of encouragement:

Praise

• “That was a good game. You did a good job playing.”
• “Good boy. Your room is clean.” 
• “I am so proud of this awesome math test. What a good grade!”
• “Your art is beautiful” 

Encouragement

• “You worked really hard and never gave up out there.” 
• “Thank you for helping out.” 
• “You did your best and I can see that you are satisfied.” 
• “You colored so carefully. I can see that you are proud of what you made.” 

Notice how the language of encouragement instills an inner sense of confidence rather than a need for outward recognition and approval. Rudolf Dreikurs, a famous psychologist, once said “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” Spend a few moments reflecting on that statement. Children need encouragement to thrive. Encouragement helps develop confidence. Confidence instills courage to face the world. So an easy answer to how to develop confidence and self-esteem in children is to use the language of encouragement.

Is the language you are using with your children helping them to thrive? If not, maybe one of your goals for 2015 can be to learn the language of encouragement. With practice and patience, you can learn to change the way you speak and give your child one of the best gifts: a sense of inner confidence and self-esteem.

By: Amanda Paben, LPC