Fences

By Cindy O'Donnell, LCSW

Will you….?  You fill in the blank.  We get asked to do a multitude of things on any given day.  The question is how many times have you said “yes” to that kind of question, when you actually meant “no.”  As you were saying yes you heard everything in you screaming “no.”  No was really the answer because if you said yes that would mean that you were going to have to say no to something else that was actually very important or saying yes meant that you would be up till midnight or would be driving 20 miles out of your way using your gas.  Now sometimes we do choose to do these kinds of things for others and in and of themselves they may be harmless, helpful as well as loving and kind.  But sometimes we have no business saying yes and yet we do.

So if you are a “yes” man or woman then maybe you need to read on!  I’m a firm believer that everyone needs to have good boundaries in every area of their life.  Boundaries allow us and prevent us from saying “yes” when we mean something different, often that something different is “no.”  So just what is a boundary?  The first thing that comes to mind is a fence.  When my daughter was about 2 years old and started toddling around we put up a fence that outlined our back property.  The fence had three locked gates.  Any time she went out to play I felt safe that she would not get out.  As she got older and I was able to leave her for a moment or two I felt I could safely leave her in the backyard.  What it did was keep my little girl in and the bad out.  In many ways this is exactly what boundaries do within relationships.  They protect us; we know where we end and someone else begins because there is a clear property line. 

According to Cloud and Townsend a boundary is what defines us.  Most of our neighbors have a fence of some kind so the property lines are very clear, but have you ever been in a neighborhood where they are no fences?  Maybe you live in a neighborhood like this.  Now there is nothing wrong with not having a fence, I might have not bothered with a fence had it not been for my daughter.   The one drawback to not having a fence is that property lines can get blurry.  We lived in our home for several years before the fence went up.  Trees were planted.  Flowerbeds were put in, on what we thought was our property.  Yeah, you guessed it: we were a little off.  Now the good news was that we have great neighbors and I was ok with losing a flowerbed.   The reality was that it could have turned out very different.

Knowing where your property ends and another’s begins gives you a sense of freedom; freedom to plant and grow and nurture your lawn.  Freedom comes in knowing where you end and another person begins.  So you may be asking…freedom?  What do you mean?  What I mean is that your "yes" needs to be as trustworthy as your "no."  When you tell someone, "yes I can do that", it needs to be true and authentically sincere, not coming from a place of fear.  Likewise you need to be able to have a confident "no" and not fear the outcome.  Freedom comes because you need not be resentful or guilty. 

Having good boundaries can build strong, trusting relationships.  When you are in a relationship with someone who has healthy boundaries you know where you stand.  Let me explain.  Have you ever asked someone to do something for you and they did, only to find out later that they ended up getting really upset with you?  What if we flipped that scenario?  Have you ever been asked to do something, you did it, only to become resentful that it took so much time out of your day when you really didn’t have it?  Worse we then feel guilty about feeling resentful and kick ourselves for saying yes.  Making a firm promise that you will never do that again only to turn around and do it the next time they ask?  Well if this is you, you are not alone.  We all find ourselves from time to time saying yes to people wishing we had had the courage to say no, but this should be the exception, not the rule.

No boundaries or poor boundaries drain us, discourage us and ultimately allow people to walk on us knowingly and unknowingly.  We are left defenseless just like I felt my daughter would be in a yard without a fence.  The fence gave her protection. 

The good news is there is hope!  Hope comes in the form of learning how to have good, healthy boundaries.  Having power to say things like:

·       “No”

·       “I don’t agree”

·       “It’s wrong”

·       “Stop that”

·       “I don’t like when you do that”

These types of responses can keep us safe. Ultimately our relationships are enhanced because we begin to weed out the boundary violators in our lives: those who resist our boundaries, break down our fences or consistency by trying to enter a locked gate uninvited.  Those who respect our new boundaries have a new found trust in the relationship as well as freedom.  It is freedom to be who we each are and freedom to discuss openly what each is thinking, even if you disagree.  It is a safe place to be when we learn that we are responsible to people not for people.  

The T Factor: Rebuilding After Burnout

By Nicholas Smith, LPC

   One of the most frustrating things about doing God's work comes from the fact that we humans at some point, must take a break.  We read verses that say things like, "In your weakness, I am strong." It makes us think that since we feel overwhelmed and tired, that God is using us in some huge way.  But using this verse and others like it to draw these sort of conclusions, my friends, is a misapplication of those scriptures.

   When we look at Christ's ministry, we often see him retreating or even napping at moments when it appears as though his words and actions would produce great change in the lives of those present.  However, Jesus seems to know that in a human body, there are limits.  After teaching for hours and hours, he required rest and solitude.  I'll say that a different way; Jesus, God in flesh, needed to step away from "ministry," step away from the crowds and followers, in order to rest.  Why did he do this?  To protect his most valuable asset to his ministry: himself.

   There is no shame in taking time for your own rest; Christ modeled that for us.  Here at Heritage we understand, through our own experiences in Lay Ministry work, that it's easy to become burnt out and overwhelmed in ministerial roles, especially when that isn't your full time job.  To address this, we have created a group to give you the tools to work through burnout and become even more effective in your ministry.

   If you feel this group might be something you need, we ask that you would prayerfully consider it.  

   Stay tuned into the blog for more information coming shortly!

Reflections on Being Real from the Velveteen Rabbit

By Adrienne Kather, LPC

   

   Recently some friends were criticizing the use of phrases related to being real. I found myself having an overly negative response (internally) to their statements and had to ask myself why it bothered me so much. It wasn’t just that I love phrases related to being real or that I use those phrases quite a bit. As I ruminated, I remembered both a book I read interpreting Margery William’s children’s story The Velveteen Rabbit as well as all I learned in psychology classes about the differences between how we portray ourselves (and why) versus being who we are and becoming who we are created to be. As I write this I realize the reason why it bothered me so much is that being real is exactly what (I believe) all people struggle with and that struggle is what causes so much of our angst.

   Although the theories of self might use different key words or expound in slightly different ways, all of them have one thing in common – there is a struggle between who we think we should be and who we really are at the moment and are becoming. I like Carl Rogers' theory best. He explains we all have a self-concept, which is how we see ourselves; a real self, which is the self that we are meant to and will become if we continue to grow; and the ideal self, which is a self that is essentially perfect and unattainable.

   

   There is too much for each of these aspects to discuss in this post, but there are some key things to understand. The self-concept (perceived self) that we have can be accurate or inaccurate. Because of the dissonance/angst caused when what we do doesn’t match what we think we should be, we create masks and justifications that sometimes prevent us from having an accurate perception of the self or displaying our real self. The real self has inherent in its definition that this is something that is already somewhere inside the person that they, over time with the right factors, develops into actual being (the actualized self), while at the same time has an essence of where the person is at this moment not fully actualized. The ideal self is made of expectations the person has absorbed from life experiences, both situational and relational.

   Okay, enough of theory. The point is there is a war is between the real and the ideal selves. Variations of the following question are central in this war: Is it okay to be who I am; Will I be loved and accepted for who I am, where I am, imperfections and all? Victory in the war means coming to truly believe we are okay with who and where we are and therefore are able to be real and become who we were created to become. How do we come to believe that? How do we become who we are created to become? It is through the healing and growing process of sanctification which necessitates experiencing love and acceptance where we’re at. Again, too much to flesh out in this post, but below are a few excerpts from the book I mentioned in the beginning, to get a taste of what this means and how to get there.

“While he longed to fit in with his peers, the Rabbit hoped even more to become special to the Boy.” The Skin Horse comforted the Rabbit saying the Boy will love him and this love will eventually make him Real. “To paraphrase the horse, Real is what happens when you become your true self – not a contrived, shiny, pretend thing – and are loved despite, and maybe even because of, your imperfections.” (Raiten-D’Antonio, xi-xii)

“Becoming Real …is living in the moment with the deepest respect for yourself and for others. It is a way of thinking that allows us to express ourselves and experience life…with grace, kindness and integrity.” (Raiten-D’Antonio, 13)

“But when you are Real, the quest for meaning is central to your life. It leads you to nurture your own values, interests and passions and to connect with others in empathetic and positive relationships. This doesn’t happen without some effort. A Real life demands your active participation…Real doesn’t mean you’ll be perfect at anything. It means that you’re willing to grow and learn through experience.”  (Raiten-D’Antonio, 185)

   

   Raiten-D’Antonio’s book shows how Real is possible, a process, emotional, empathetic, courageous, honest, generous, grateful, can be painful, flexible, ethical, and real love endures (partial table of contents). It makes sense to me that it would be all these things in the midst of a world whose values are turned upside down and by the very nature of being part of this world we all have obtained wounds. Scripturally, this process of becoming Real is the healing and growing process of sanctification. It is a process in which we surrender to God’s transforming work within us while partnering with Him in that work through steps leading to healing and growth and allowing safe people to show us the love He has for us.

Reference

Raiten-D’Antonio, T. The Velveteen Principles: A Guide to Becoming Real. (2004). Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.  

The T Factor: Fighting the Battle for Hard to Parent Kids Together

By Rachael DeWitt, LCSW 

   Parenting can be lonely work.  Remember those long nights walking the floors with an infant that won’t sleep?  Me, too.  In the beginning, the loneliness can be overwhelming.  At first, maybe it’s not so bad, as everyone wants to come and see the baby.  But, as your spouse goes back to work, your friends go back to their (sometimes child-free) lives, and your family members go back home, it’s just you and baby.  Eventually, you find new friends, other parents like you who are learning the ropes, and it’s not so bad.  You make a community of other moms and dads, and slowly life starts to feel normal again.

   But, if you are lucky enough to have a hard to parent kid, that loneliness often lingers.  Your friends’ kids hit milestones before yours, and you feel alone all over again.  Everyone else’s child is sleeping through the night.  Everyone else’s child is responding to discipline strategies.  Everyone else’s child is singing the alphabet song with only a few mistakes, identifying shapes and colors, sitting still for a whole meal.  Everyone else’s child.  But not yours.  Even surrounded by your mom-friends, you feel alone.  You’re not sure who to even talk to about your worries, your fears, or your frustrations.  The fact that sometimes you’re not even sure you like your child.  Who can handle that kind of real when they are raising Baby Einstein and you have the Tasmanian Devil living at your house?

   The truth is, you’re not alone.  Or, at least, you don’t have to be.  There is power in doing life together, but, sometimes, you have to work to find the right people to do it with.  Not everyone has a hard to parent child, so not everyone “gets” it.  You need to hear from someone who has fought your battles.  Who knows how beaten down you sometimes feel.  Who can help you to stand back up and continue to fight.  Because it’s true: you don’t always like your child.  But you do always love him.  You will keep fighting for him.  And you need to find a community who will get that, let you vent, and keep on supporting you without judgment because they’ve been there, too.  When the battle is raging above your head, and you just want to hide in the foxhole and give up, you need a friend who will crawl in there beside you and remind you that you can do this.  Because, together, you really can.

   This is the value of a parenting therapy group like NOISE.  It’s a place where parents like you gather to talk about the real battle of raising a hard to parent kid.  This isn’t the country club, with all the perfectly groomed parents showing off their perfectly groomed children.  This isn’t even the sidelines of the t-ball game or the hallway in front of dance class, where the moms sit in their yoga pants cheering their child on.  This is where battle-worn parents meet to share war stories, gain understanding, cheer each other on.  This is where a seasoned therapist shares insights into how to raise these kids, your kids.  This is where you discover the T Factor: how doing this Together makes all the difference.

   NOISE needs you.  More importantly, you need NOISE.  We are meeting on the 1^st and 3^rd Saturdays of the month, from 8-9:30am.  Weary parents just like you show up to learn that they are not alone.  That there is power in together.  That we can learn how to win this battle for our kids, not against our kids.  They need us, and we need each other.  Won’t you join our ranks?  Click here to register, or request more information.

The T Factor

By Scott Hendrickson, LCPC

   When you are hurting or struggling with something like anxiety or your kids or something else like burnout, sometimes the last thing you would consider is joining a group with a bunch of other people with similar issues.  Group therapy seems like the last resort to consider.  It might even cause you more anxiety to consider such a treatment. (long thoughtful pause) Before you dismiss group therapy either for yourself or a friend, take a few moments to find out why group therapy might be beneficial for you and yours.

   Oftentimes when someone has problems there is a desire to go hide.  You might feel embarrassed or ashamed that others would know the extent and intensity of what you are going through.  This is natural to withdraw away from people.  I know when you have anxiety, you try to control as many parts of your life as possible in order to keep anxious feelings to a minimum and when you have a child who currently is hard to parent you might feel overwhelmed and too many voices just might push you over the edge.  Resist this urge to isolate from people because it more often than not leads to more of the same struggles or worse.  In fact, all of the journals and research confirm with one loud voice, isolating or withdrawing only perpetuates these problems and delays your recovery. 

   Group therapy is an intentionally constructed safe place to work through specific problems.  Did you know that if you go to group therapy you do not have to talk? Until you feel more comfortable, you can simply pass the conversation to others in the group.  No matter what, you will be sitting with people who have similar issues and the strategies and stories you hear from them will most likely encourage and instruct you.

   In scripture, there are a whole bunch of verses called the ‘one another’ passages.  These verses give powerful advice for health and recovery.  What they suggest is that recovery is a process most effective when it is done Together. The writer of the book of James says, ‘confess one to another…and you will be healed.’  Together with likeminded strugglers, shows you that you are not alone in your struggle.  Together with likeminded strugglers focuses more brain power on your concerns.  Finally, therapy Together with others, makes getting help more affordable.

   Groups are small, confidential and customized to the specific problems of the people in the group.  In these groups, you find support and ideas to help form effective strategies that you might desperately need.  I suggest groups provide (like no other place) that ‘T’ factor—the Together factor which can provide the kind of movement and momentum you have long desired for in your life.  Over the next month there will be a continuing series of articles about how this ‘T’ factor can help you and yours.  If you want more information on the therapy groups provided at Heritage Counseling Center, please visit this link or simply call us at 815.577.8970 (option 1). 

Knowing When to Say Goodbye (To Your Therapist)

By Farah Harris, LPC

Did you know that you can break up with your therapist? Yes, it is true and you do not have to feel guilty about it. Sometimes as "counselees," it is challenging to properly evaluate your counselor based off of your own issues.  Therapy can become ineffective, and yet, many people choose to stay with their therapist for various reasons such as their struggle with “people pleasing” or simply not knowing what to look for in a counseling relationship. As a therapist, it frustrates and saddens me to no end when I hear stories of counselees seeing a counselor who is not doing their job helping them.  Here are few of indications that it may be time to sever ties with your therapist:

You recognize that you emotionally hold back during your sessions.  Are you having consistent moments when sharing with your therapist that you hold back tears? That at every tender moment when you want to cry, you choose to restrain yourself? If this is an on-going recurrence then you are possibly not feeling emotionally safe with your therapist.  Not feeling safe is a big issue that needs to be addressed because it will impede the necessary work that you need to do.  Being able to feel vulnerable and authentic to self will aid in your healing and if your therapist is creating an environment that you are not feeling free to be yourself, then it probably will not be the environment for you to get your healing.

You and your therapist do not have any concrete therapeutic goals.  I have heard one too many times from "counselees" that they did not have set goals with their last therapist.  This always shocks me because this is such a waste of your time.  If you initially are not sure of what you want out of therapy, your therapist is to ask you and sometimes help you to create those goals.  Having set goals allows both you and your therapist to have a focus.  I seriously doubt that you would allow a doctor to operate on you without there being a specific plan and target for the procedure and treatment.  It would be foolish.  Then why do the same for your emotional and mental health?

You enjoy your therapist’s company, but you are not getting any better. It is wonderful that you have cultivated a great relationship with your therapist. This rapport is imperative in the healing process, but it is not the end all be all.  There is something to be said about having a therapist who is a great listener, but if they are not adding value in terms of well-thought out interventions, then more likely than not you have gained an expensive friend. 

Your therapist just doesn’t get it.  Unfortunately there are times when you have a therapist that just doesn’t get you. You find yourself having to repeat or restate what you’ve said so that your therapist can understand.  Now don’t get me wrong, we are not always in tune, but if you catch yourself having to explain yourself frequently to your therapist (and feeling misunderstood is not your reason for coming in) it is probably creating more harm than good.  Who wants to leave therapy more frustrated than when they came?

You have met your goals for therapy. Yes, there is actually a positive reason to say good-bye to your therapist.  You came, you worked and you conquered! Our ultimate goal as therapists is to not see you for a lifetime.  We want to make sure that we equip you with the necessary tools that will help you in life so that you can better handle the current and future issues in your life.  When you have achieved what you initially came in for, it is time to go, otherwise your therapist will eventually become an expensive friend and we have already clarified that as a reason to terminate.

A therapist is like any professional that you are paying for their service.  Would you go back to a doctor, consultant, or contractor if you didn’t like their service?  I doubt it.  So please, if after several sessions you are realizing that the therapy isn’t working with that particular therapist, please do yourself a favor and look for another one.  You owe it to yourself to find a therapist that will hear you, challenge you, hold you accountable, and one that makes you feel safe.  Most of us therapists have thick skins, so if you decide to move on to another one, our only hope is that you get the help that you need.

Dear Weary Mom (Whose Kids Are Hard 2 Parent)

By Rachael DeWitt, LCSW

(This article was originally published at http://mommylcsw.blogspot.com/ and published here with the author's permission. Rachael DeWitt is a licensed clinical social worker at Heritage Counseling, also leading her "hard-2-parent" parenting group called NOISE starting back up this Fall. For more information, please go to our Group Therapy section.)

Dear Weary Mom, 

Around here, we talk about Hard to Parent Kids. You know the ones. They often have more letters after their name than a college professor:  ADHD,  OCD, ODD, ASD, GAD, PITA.  If you're not familiar with that last one, it's courtesy of my hair dresser, and stands for Pain In The Appendix. (She may have used a different body part for that A!). Others refer to them as stubborn, strong-willed, difficult, special needs, or just plain bad.  These kids defy all the rules and all the advice in those parenting books. If you're a parent of one of these treasures, you know it. And I'm sure more than once, some well-meaning relative has told you that if they took your child home with them for a week, they could straighten them out for you. In fact, I wrote a whole blog post on the well-meaning-but-not-at-all-helpful things others say to poor weary mamas like you.

When I see you at the store, enduring tantrums when you won't buy yet another Star Wars toy, I want to walk up to you and put my hand on your shoulder. I want to whisper in your ear that you are doing a good job!  You are a warrior!  But since we don't know each other, I'm pretty sure that would be weird, and at least a little creepy. So this letter will have to do instead. I am writing to you today, poor weary mama, to let you know a few things. You are not alone, you are not to blame, and you are loved.

I want you to know how many parents I have seen in my office as a social worker who are just like you.  Wondering where they went wrong. Feeling alone and isolated. Wondering how this is affecting their other kids. Needing a break, but not being able to find a sitter who can handle their Hard to Parent Kid. Even relatives get burnt out or make excuses!  Thinking that no one else is going thru what they are going thru.

But that, dear weary one, is a lie. There are whole books about kids like yours!  I started a parenting group, called NOISE, because it is my heart's desire to reach out to parents like you, and introduce you to other parents like you. We need each other, we need to know that this is normal, to feel OK about our families. If you live near Plainfield, Illinois, check out that link and consider joining the group!  If not, I encourage you to seek out other parents with H2P kids, people who can relate to what you are going through!  Find a support group, even if it's online. Easy to Love But Hard To Raise

is one example of such a group.

Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I came up with the term Hard to Parent when starting the group, because it describes what is going on without assigning blame. I am not interested in labeling "difficult kids" or "bad parents."  I'm guessing you are not, either. Let's face it, some kids come into this world with more challenging behaviors than others. Babies with health challenges, who cry day and night, or who resist being held. Many of these kids outgrow their difficulties. Many do not. They just change how they are presenting. It's not their fault they were born this way.

Neither is it your fault. Unless you were reckless in pregnancy, chances are that you did not harm your baby in utero. That glass of wine in your 1st trimester before you knew you were pregnant did not do this to your child. He's not still hyper because of the coffee you drank to cope with those sleepless nights while breast feeding. Choosing to bottle-feed instead is not responsible, either. This is not cosmic payback for your own naughty childhood, no matter what your mother says!  We live in a fallen world. Our kids are fallen, too. Sometimes, it just is, and we will never know why. Learn to be ok with that. Knowing why isn't usually helpful, anyway. 

However they got here, they are challenging!  They require a specialized skill set to parent. Hence, Hard to Parent Kids. No blame, just the facts. 

Lastly, you are loved. Treasured, even. The bible says that God is close to the broken hearted. (Psalm 34:18)  Who is more broken hearted than the mother of an H2P kid?  Broken hearted at every invitation she doesn't get, and every referral slip she does. Every milestone missed or fought for.  Every hour spent fighting over homework that could be completed in 10 minutes if only he would get started!  Every carefully planned family outing that ends in tantrums and tears.

Yes, God is close, dear weary one, even when you don't feel him there. Even when you question, "Why?"  Even when you lash out at him in anger. Not only is he close, but he loves. He rejoices over you with singing. He comforts you with his love (Zephaniah 3:17). Lean into him, leave your weariness behind. He sees, he knows, he comforts, and he loves. 

Rejoicing together in the love that never fails,

Rachael

Mommy, LCSW